Closing My Account

Today, I closed one of my online dating accounts. Don't worry, I am not fully turning in my Online Dating Hat! But like many of the other sites that I have journeyed on, this site had run its course of usefulness. The newly ended subscription was to OkCupid, which is a mostly free dating site. Like all dating sites there was an option to upgrade your account to view with less ads and become a premium member with top listing in searches. I have been on this site for about a year now I think and here are my thoughts on it:

Similar to Plenty of Fish there is WAY too much riff raff on this site. I attribute this to the fact that you can use most of the features on the site for free. They have some sort of matching system based on your answers to questions that they calculate using numbers in some complicated method to produce matches for you. However, I was soooo confused by the people I was matched up with. Some of them kind of made sense, but most of them were just so off the wall that I started really wondering what was going on. I also received little to no response from people that I contacted. But the site can also be so overwhelming: so many matches thrown at you, so many different options on ways to connect, search for people, questions to ask for your profile. The site is trying to be sort of a Facebook for online dating, but I don't know how well that's going to pan out for them.

A few months ago I even turned off my notifications about messages. So instead of receiving an e-mail each time I received a message on my account, I had to log in in order to see if anyone had sent me a message. This was helpful because I realized I checked the site a lot less and was a lot less eager to know right away what a message said. And today, when I logged in I got a message from a TWENTY YEAR OLD!!!!!! What are we doing here OkCupid? I clearly set my matching preferences to a certain age range and you blatantly ignored my wishes! Whats the point of even setting preferences if they will be ignored? Maybe you're thinking, "what an agist!! He could be a very mature 20 year old." But that's not the point. The point is if I order a cheeseburger with no pickles because pickles make me gassy then don't frickin give me a cheeseburger with pickles!!! Is that so hard to do? Would you go back to that McDonald's if they kept messing up your order? Of course not. Sooooo, NEXT!!!!

Focusing,
ODQ

PS Pickles don't really make me gassy. In fact, I adore pickles. Bring on the pickles! The real ones though, not the metaphoric ones.

Spelling Bee

Having been the winner of several spelling bees as a child and even competing in a regional competition (I tanked on the word "doughboy") I am particularly anal about spelling. Consequently, poor spelling and grammar has become a specific turn off for me. Does this make me super elitist?!?! I don't know, but I can't seem to help the fact that it bothers me so much. However, I realized recently what a unique problem this is. For example, when dating someone whom you have met in the non-online dating world you could go weeks, even MONTHS without knowing the level of their spelling prowess. But in the online dating world you know pretty much immediately. From your profile page to the first exchange of e-mails or texts, you pretty much have to lay all your spelling cards on the table from jump. It gets tricky because a good speller does not necessarily an intellectual make. I have met plenty of geniuses who are horrible at spelling. So why is it so hard for me to let go of such a superficial judgment?! I have a few theories on the subject.

To start off, dating online is very much like accepting applicants for a job. Profile pages are like resumes, photos are like head shots at an audition. And after spending my whole entire day in front of a computer, the last thing I want to do when I get home is spend hours and hours scanning my PC screen. I want the process to be quick so I scan (more like skim) for key phrases, important facts and try to synthesize and process all the data coming at me as fast as possible to make a decision on a person. There just isn't a lot of time to mess around! So if you only have 2.5 minutes to impress me with your profile page, the least you could do for me is run a spell check!

Moreover, when profiles do not have a lot of information, us online daters are forced to "read between the lines" if you will. I find myself looking a little closer at pictures, reading answers and phrases over again trying to piece together the big mystery that the guy has left me to solve. So I often use things like not having read any books lately, typing in all caps or even typing in "cell phone text script" to help me make my decision. Hey don't judge me! I'm not the one with a bare bones profile page!

A few months ago I started exchanging text messages with a guy I met online. However, with each text message he sent me I became not only more turned off but also extremely confused!!! What was so strange was that his profile made perfect sense, grammar and everything. Something didn't seem to be adding up. So I decided to ask my friend for advice. She is always so great at reminding me to be gracious and to give guys more of a fighting chance. And she said something to me that I hadn't thought of before: "You never know, he could have a learning disability." So reluctantly I decided to keep talking to him and it turned out she was right! Although nothing really came of my conversations with this guy romantically, I was really grateful to have a friend push me towards grace and not allow me sit on my judgy, spelling bee pedestal.

Since that time I can't honestly say that I don't take spelling into account when assessing a potential online match, but I think (I hope) I am way more gracious about it.

Grateful for spell check,
ODQ

Is eHarmony eHarming Me?

I realize lately that I have to be super aware of how I peruse my matches on eHarmony. Since I don't have to interact with a person in the immediate sense, its very easy to fall into either objectification or insensitivity. I end up thinking and often times even saying things out loud about these guys to my friends that I wouldn't normally say if it was a person that we actually knew. At least if I knew them, I would have been a whole lot more kinder or PC about it. Is that fake? Two faced? I don't know. But the point is I need to treat my matches with the same respect that I would treat anyone that I met in person, whether or not they can hear what I'm saying. Overall, I, and I think the rest of the online daters need to remember that sifting through your matches is not like shopping for fruit at a grocery store, where you may very nonchalantly cast off or pick up the ones that look the best. Its more like searching for diamonds among barrel full of other precious gems.

Best,
ODQ

To Close or Not to Close the Match

This week I debated for a while about closing communication with a match on eHarmony. I am trying to be "open" I keep reminding myself. Well, I was only mildly attracted to him and his profile answers were not that unique. It was the typical stuff (not bad stuff): loves God, hanging out with friends, values family. He seemed like he was a likable person, but I wasn't sure the chemistry was going to be there, especially because it seemed like he might not be very funny (believe me when I tell you that it pains me how much of a deal breaker this is for me).

This guy is not very quick to respond to communication so I had thought he might have just decided to pass after seeing my answers to his first set of questions. So I was surprised when I found out a couple days ago that he had moved to the next level of communication: Sending "must haves" and "can't stands." This is the level of communication where you send the person a list of things that you must have in a partner and things you cannot stand to have in a partner. Pretty self explanatory right? Of course one of my must haves is sense of humor. Looking back on the situation I realize that I really was looking for him to say something, anything that would give me a legitimate reason to close the match. So when I received his "must haves" and "cant stands" I immediatly latched onto one of his "cant stands" that I had an issue with and closed the match. Judge me if you must but I did it. I didn't stop to think that this guy might not just be going though the motions of eHarmony communication and might actually be genuinly intrested in me. So I was even more surprised when he decided to send me a message after I closed the match (you can send one final farethewell message on eharmony before a match is fully closed). In his message he said that he thought if we met in person I would feel differently, to which I had to respect. And so I decided to take my own ODQ advice: I sent him a message back and agreed to meet with him one on one.

Maybe I made the decision to close the match prematurely. My instincs are usually spot on but I'm open to being wrong. Let you know how it goes :)

Open,
ODQ

Fade to Frienship

It's the age old When Harry Met Sally question: Can a man and a woman have a relationship/friendship without sex getting in the way? And in the online dating world post-dating friendship can be a little tricky. I'm not even sure how often it even happens successfully. As for myself and a few of the women that I know who have tried online dating, the odds for maintaining a friendship with someone you have gone on a few dates with are currently zero times out of 10. It just doesn't happen. More often than not us online daters have opted for what I like to call the "fade out." The fade out is the process of phasing out communication with a person that you have been on one or a couple dates with but are not really interested it seeing long term. Its been a difficult question for me to deal with because there are so many factors involved. I mean first off, do I even want to have a friendship with this person? Secondly, how do we make that awkward transition from something that started off heading in a completely different direction? Do I just subtly stop letting them pay for my meals anymore? Opening doors?

Well, recently I became really quite sad over the fact that I might be losing out on a great friendship with a guy I had gone on a couple dates. Both dates were fantastic! A lot to talk about, a lot of joking, fun etc. During the second date we both realize that there was something we fundamentally disagreed upon that would prevent the relationship from going any further romantically. And yet, I still felt a connection that I didn't want to lose just because we decided not to date. After that revealing date it honestly seemed like we were both going to play the "fade out" game. I don't think either one of us knew how to continue building a friendship and change the direction of the way we had started our relationship. Well, I decided to take action. I just thought, "how sad would it be if I go on dates with all these guys and not one of them turns into a friendship?!" In the non-online dating world this happens all the time! And I didn't want to lose this guy as a friend. So after two weeks of "fading" I sent him a text asking, "Do you think it's possible for a man and a woman who have decided not to date to be friends?" There was way more in the text than that but you get the idea. And guess what! He responded so positively, saying that he definitely wanted to continue a friendship with me. I was elated. We are now currently building a very fun and healthy friendship, which I hope will deepen over time.

Now I know not every situation is prime for a post dating friendship. But I had a feeling with this one. So you'll have to decide for yourself whether or not you A) want to be friends with that person long term and B) Its appropriate for you to ask for friendship given your dating experience with them. My recommendation is to never use the "let's be friends" line unless you absolutely mean it. Besides, people can tell when you mean it and when you don't anyway.

We'll have to see where this friendship goes but for now I'm so grateful to have actually gained a relationship out of my dating experience, even if it isn't a romantic one.

Friends Forever,
ODQ

Change on the Inside

I don't really know how to go about explaining the change that I have noticed in myself recently. But I'm going to try:

As a Christian woman, being in the online dating world for me has been a process of spiritual discovery and growing in relationship with God. I have had to trust him to change my perspective of myself, first breaking the lie that somehow I am "too good" or "too pretty" or "too amazing of a woman" to have to resort to dating online. Moreover, I have had to give up the perception that dating online is a "last" resort(even if the rest of the world doesn't). The truth is that since I have started going on dates with guys that I have met online, I have been on just as many dates with men that I have met in person. Because of this I started wondering is there a connection here. I think the connection is this: As I have allowed God to move and shift my heart in the online dating game, these changes have affected my life in the off-online dating game. And honestly speaking, this observable change is enough for me to recommend online dating to any woman, especially if she is submitted to letting God change her through it.

PTL,
ODQ

How's Your Luck Been On this Site?

One of these days I plan on writing about something that I actually LIKE about online dating! Really!!! It's not all bad! But today is not that day:

I was matched with a guy on eHarmony recently who immediately sent me an e-mail message. For those of you unfamiliar with the eHarmony world, when you are matched up with someone you have three options. A) You can simply close the match. B) You can respond using a series of somewhat open ended questions. You can create your own or select ones that have been written out. They are things like, "where do you see yourself in 15" or "would you describe yourself as an affectionate person?" Harmless right?! There are even answers to choose from along with a blank space so the person can write in their own answer. (Side note, I almost always write in my own answer to give myself an edge. It shows I don't fit into a box or say...a multiple choice question). But the holy grail of hoped for options (in my experience) is a personal e-harmony mail where you can bypass all the other communication steps and get right to the nitty gritty. I love this option because I've become pretty impatient with pat answers and trite responses to my carefully crafted questions.

Well, a few days ago I received my favorite type of communication from a guy who is on his way to getting his law degree from UCLA... Nice, right! We exchange numbers through eHarmony mail and he called me today. We spent the few minutes on the phone with the typical chit chat and mild banter. And then he asked me a stomach turner: So have you had any luck on this site so far? I say, "well sort of, I guess, I mean, well, uh I mean I talked to a couple guys but it didn't really..uh" He says, "What did they just stop calling you back or something?" Immediately I start thinking, "Why the HECK are we having THIS conversation over the PHONE????!!!!!!" And what's more ridiculous is that this is not the first time I have been asked this question. If you haven't noticed by now, I am a HUGE fan of lists. It's sad that I even have to spell it out, but here are all the reasons why I am NOT okay with this line of questioning, especially on the first phone call:

1) Asking about someone's luck on eHarmony or any other dating site is not like asking about where you grew up. It's asking about someone's dating history.
2) It's none of your business, until I trust you enough to talk about this part of my life.
3) Why do you need to know? Clearly, I'm still looking, otherwise WE would not be talking in the first place. If I had had "luck" on the site (meaning I found a guy I'm interested in), what am I doing talking to other guys?
4) It puts pressure on the person to ask the question back so that you can share about your past experiences with dating on the site. And you have no idea how much a girl loves to hear about the other women you have dated through the site even before you go out on your first date with her! Awesome! (note the sarcasm here, please)
5) It makes it sound like you have nothing else better to say.
6) There should be an unwritten rule for online daters to spend as little time talking about online dating with each other as possible.

So there you go. Hopefully the world can benefit from this list and I will stop getting this question from people.

Semi-Lucky,
ODQ

Learning to Love the Gray Area

More and more I am learning to to LOVE living in the gray areas, primarly because I have gone on a couple dates with guys who have NO IDEA how to live there. By gray area I mean that place where things are undefined, decisions haven't been made, commitments are not yet expressed... not to mention the fact that (ahem) this was only a FIRST DATE! However, I am learning to see the signs ahead of time. Here are some of the signs that a potential online dater does not know how to live in the grey area (in no particular order):

1) Before the first meet up s/he sends you texts messages frequently throughout the day with chit chatty questions like, "How is your day going," or, "what are you up to?"
2) In his/her conversations/text messages s/he uses the word "love" a lot ie "ok love," "goodbye my love" or "man you love me!"
3) The potential dater uses committed phrases like, "I'm gonna make you mine," "you're mine," or "I got you." Remember, this is only cute/funny if you're SURE the other person is joking and there's no way to tell that until you meet a person.
4) The potential dater calls you pet names such as babe, baby, sweetheat, sweetie pie, honey etc. You get the picture. Basically any term of endearment should be reserved for those to whom you are sure you want to endear yourself to. Make sense?

Disclaimer: Just because your potential dater exhibits one of these signs does not necessarily mean that they are incapable of living in the gray area. You will have to use your own best judgement in each scenario.

Happily gray,
ODQ

Dial M.O.M. For Help

The other day I was on my way to meet up with a date. This was going to be my second date with this particular guy. We were going to the beach but on the way there I decided to call my mom and vent to her about all the things that bothered me about him so far and and all the reasons why it wouldn't work out. "But he's not a planner," I told her, "and he seems like the kind of person who is afraid live in or visit urban areas." Although I was annoyed by it, my mom was somehow able to remind me that these aren't necessarily deal breakers and that I should still enjoy the date and give him some room to grow and be himself without having to fit into my checklist of criteria.

After thinking about that conversation I started to realized how motivated we are to see flaws in other people when we're afraid. And once I began to be honest with myself I realized that I am actually just scared. I have not yet quite learned how to protect my heart wisely until the appropriate time and so instead I chose to find reasons to sabotage the date before it even started by conjuring up all the things that annoyed me. So I decided to follow my mom's advice and just enjoy getting to know him and guess what! I had a great time!

Maybe one day I'll actually tell my mom she was right.

Best,
ODQ

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Thanks!

ODQ

Riding in Cars with Boys

I spent some time thinking about one of the more annoying occurances in the online dating world the other day: Men who post photos of themselves posing in front of their cars. This is a MEGA turnoff! On the one hand, I understand the desire to really prove to your future mate that you are capable of handling your finances and that you can be a good provider. But who is to say that the Escalade that's propping up your left elbow doesn't belong to your friend Ray Ray? Not to mention the fact that these pictures are like a honing beacon for GOLD DIGGERS! What happened to "we want Pre-Nup, we want Pre-nup!"? Wasn't this the male anthem of 2006? Let's go back to pictures with normal things like stuffed animals and puppies.

Wondering if it's just me,
ODQ

Dear Incomplete/Blank Profile Guy,

Thank you for wasting my time.

ODQ

Just Because You Delete Someone From Your Phone....

Doesn't mean they delete you from theirs!

I know it's silly but I actually thought I was done with crazy texter guy. You know, the one that would text me once every week or couple of weeks and ask how I was doing even though I NEVER texted back. There is a thin line between persisting and pestering and this guy is so far from the line he can't even see it. So after I hadn't heard from him in what seemed like a month I thought it was safe to just delete him from my phone. BIG MISTAKE! I ended up getting a random text the other day asking me how I was doing and silly me-I actually texted back asking, "who is this?!" And just like that I was sucked back into the orbit of whatever planet this guy is on.

Learning,
ODQ

I AM NOT A STATISTIC!!!.....or am i?

Recently Time Magazine published a statistic from OkCupid (one of the sites I have frequented)that Black women garner the lowest response rate of all women's groups from online daters. Ring, ring! "Hello?" "Hi, this is Depression, and Discouragement! We're coming over for a visit!" I mean seriously! So there I was, actually becoming more satisfied with waiting and trusting in God when this article slaps me over the head with a reality check. Right now I'm wondering mostly how can both these realities be true? How is it possible that God holds my future and my destiny in his hands while at the same time this ever flowing current of latent racism (Yes I said it) prevents me from reaching the top of the dating chain?

I'm sure that both my male and female friends have a hard time understanding this. "But black women are so beautifl! I just don't understand." Nine times out of ten these people are not currently dating a black woman. All of a sudden I felt justified in my choice to spend time on an interracial dating site in which racial preferences were clearly stated up front on everyone's profile. A black woman who was interviewed for the article articulated the strategy best: "Now I look at that section first so as not to get my hopes up." HOW SAD! We're scared to even hope!!! Scared to put ourselves out there time and time again only to get limited to no response at all!

Let me stop here by saying, I hate the victim mentality. I have always been hard on myself to figure out where can I improve and where do I need to shift. But this time its not just me. And I have the facts to prove it. I thought it was all in my head. I still trust God to work it out. But now the things I am praying for seem even bigger than me--try praying for the racism of a generation!

ODQ

If I'm Truly Honest with Myself

This week has been about being SUPER honest with myself. God has been reminding me of somethings that I have wanted out of a relationship that I thought I was willing to compromise on. Don't get it twisted! I'm not talking about compromising on spirtuatl and moral compatibility here. The things I felt open to compromising on were the "extras" that I hoped to find in someone.

One of those things was sense of humor. I really thought that I could compromise on this one in particular with one of the guys I dated, wondering, "maybe I'll be okay if I'm the only funny one in the relationship." Not that I'm winning any awards for best stand up comic...but you know. In fact, it was in a conversation I had with one of my guy friends recently that reminded me how much I HAVE to have this in a relationship. It even increases my respect for a person when they can match or exceed my wit and can decrease my respect when its not there. I tried hard not to let it matter so much but I can't help it!

The other thing which I can't compromise on is in planning ahead of time. Now, this was the biggest shocker because I thought that I was really high "P" on the Myers Briggs. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Myers Briggs, that basically means I like things open ended, may tend to procrastinate a lot. But I have recently become very strict about my schedule. In fact, the only time I may put off scheduling something is if it is going to cost money and I'm concerned about how I am spending my finances. But in general, I do much better after something scheduled than I do when it's open ended. And when someone says to me something like, "Oh yeah, we'll definitely hang out sometime," or "we'll definitely do something this week," I breaks trust with me. I feel this way partially because quality time is my primary love language. But I also feel this way because I am a busy person, so if I communicate that I'm interested in opening up my schedule it doesn't mean I won't take any other appointments or meetings etc until you're ready to schedule something. It means, let's put something in the books now before you get completely edged out of my life.

So there you go. I guess I'm looking for a hilarious planner. Know any? :)

Best,
ODQ

Waiting on God

Last week was a torrential storm of emotions and excitement only to be extinguished in one night. I began texting back and forth and talking on the phone with a guy who seemed perfect. In fact, one of my friends began referring to him as "Mr. Amazing." Well, there were pieces of his life that he was not upfront about until we met up in person. First being the fact that his pictures on the internet we not up to date. He had had a pretty bad motorcycle accident that had left him in pretty bad shape. The second and most important piece he left out of his history was the fact that he had spent time in prison for embezzlment. Needless to say, I have been pretty disillusioned and renewed a committment in my heart to wait on God and really be patient about any opportunity that comes by way. One of the primary ways that I am doing this is by only checking my internet dating accounts once a day (as opposed to 5 or 6) and only after praying to God and asking him to sift through my heart and fill my neediness. I have also cancelled a couple memberships I have to some dating sites that I was dissatisfied with and now I'm down to just two that I am invested in. I have a feeling that this MIGHT mean much fewer dates, but maybe the overall quality will pick up. :)

Cautious and Hopeful,
ODQ

Back with eHarmony Day 4/Desperate or Practical

Well, here we are on day four on eHarmony. Success on this site so far is pretty limited. I'm grateful for a lot of matches. Each day they provide new matches for me to look at (however I wish they would let me know via 1 e-mail a day as opposed to 5!). I have gone back and forth over whether or not to be the first one to initiate with the men that I am matched with. Like many women I over analyze the situation wondering what message I'm sending by initiating first. God forbid I seem too agressive! But most of the time I'm just thinking, "I paid for the damn thing so I better get the most out of it!" (My last go round with eHarmony was fully funded by my second mom). Suffice it to say I'm a little more anxious. Does it come of as desperate or practical/pragmatic when a woman initiates first? And is it an LA thing that more and more these days women have to be super overt about their interest for a man to feel comfortable making a move?

So far I have had three guys out of maybe 30 either express some sort of interest. None of them have gotten to the final stage of communication. Awesome.

Just keep swimming,
ODQ

I'm Not Sold Yet

High self esteem is healthy. However there is a level of self esteem that blinds one from reality. Interacting with many such prospectives online has been frustrating mainly because I really do want to give these guys a fair chance. But they can quickly ruin my interest by not trying very hard to impress and making cavalier requests when the truth is that I'M JUST NOT SOLD YET. Please do not mistake a woman's openess to your interest in her as a cue that she is 100% into you.

I made the mistake a few months ago of giving a guy my number, when I was still only just curious (meaning I wasn't sold yet but open to being won over). I should have followed my own advice re: the face-to-face. But I was impatient and too busy to set something up. He ended calling me towards the end of the month and I just had no energy for the conversation at the time. Since then I have received a text from him every two weeks asking me to come to his house! Did I mention we have not had a face-to-face yet? Today I received another text from him, once again asking if I want to come over to his house tonight. Is it elitist of me that I think most people can afford a cup of coffee? I feel some pity for him because ever since I sent him an e-mail he has interacted with me as if he's got it in the bag. I'm just not sold yet.

Tip: Never tire of putting effort into wooing and impressing your potential mate, especially in the beginning stages. If you're tired, then you may not be as excited about that person as you think. This goes for both women and men.

Always,
ODQ

Back with eHarmony/Top 3 Benefits of a Good Profile Page

Well, I'm back on eHarmony again. I really thought I was done with this site for a good long while. But somehow having the worste Valentine's day I have ever had combined with eHarmony's free communication event I got reeled in hook line and sinker! What really sealed the deal though was receiving a communication from a guy on the site but I couldn't see his picture. I didn't want to get too far into communcation without knowing whether or not I was actually attracted to him physically. So I bit the bullet.

The site has changed quite a bit since the last time I was on. A lot of the links are way more userfriendly and some things have been re-titled to make more sense which is good. I can be a site snob sometimes when things are unclear or unfocused. One thing that hasn't changed is the handful of men (probably women as well) who write next to NOTHING on their profile page and post either a tiny picture of themselves or no picture at all. Sometimes I wish I could host a tutorial for these men and show them why women are bypassing their profile page. Then the thought always occurs to me that maybe they are still getting some action! Any response by a woman to their page only reinforces the laziness of not taking the time to fill out a profile page.

However, I am sure that the reason for all the lack luster profile pages is not just laziness. Some people are worried about overselling themselves or coming off as arrogant and narcissistic. This is why I have come up with a list of benefits to writing a good profile page.

1) You'll find out how awesome you are: Writing a good profile page is a great way to having a better understanding of yourself! It is good practice because the more you know yourself the more you will realize what you bring to the table in a relationship...and what you need to improve on.

2) You Won't waist your time: If a person is turned off by your humor in your profile page, chances are they will be turned off by it once you meet up in person. Be appropriate but don't water yourself down just so that people won't be turned off. Let people see who you really are sooner. That way when you do receive a response you know that person will be responding to the real you.

3) You'll get more responses: Online dating is becoming an art. And the ones that have been around the block can tell the people who have just slapped something together versus people who have been thoughtful and reflective about their needs and desires on their pages. When you put effort into your page it communicates that you are willing to put effort into the things that really matter to you...like relationships ;)

Happy profile writing!

ODQ

PS: Narcissistic people don't worry about being narcissistic. If you're worried about it, then you probably have nothing to worry about.

Asking for More Pictures

I've had several guys on a particular site ask for more pictures after connecting with me on dating sites. I assume that this is something that people do and ask for on a regular basis on these sites (I am still only learning about this whole online dating scene). However, for someone like myself who is a little more reserved overall something didn't quite sit right with me when this request is thrown my way. Don't get me wrong, I do understand their point of view. On this particular site I had only posted one picture of myself that was only a headshot. And men are visual. However on my end, I couldn't get it out of my head that in complying with this request I was aiding and abetting the objectification of my own body. So here was my ultimate compromise: I have added more pictures to my profile and will gracefully decline a direct request for more pictures. If they don't get the idea from what I have put up or are too lazy to schedule something with me to see what I look like in person then I don't have time for that anyway.

ODQ

Too Personal vs Deep (And Rule 2 in Sending Text Messages)

We all grew up in different households, different parents with different ideas of the world. However, there are a few things that we can agree upon as socially acceptable. Last week I was watching my absolute favorite show "Millionaire Matchmaker" and this very issue of Too Personal vs. Deep came up. The issue is this: Many people, in an attempt to be deep, vulnerable or intriguing will end up sharing too much information about themself too soon. This makes people uncomfortable as was the case on the episode. On the show, one of the women who was chosen for a mini date by both of the men shared about her bout with anorexia as well as the passing of her mom. Both men were turned off by this, not because they were without compassion, but because this information was TOO PERSONAL TOO SOON. They had five minutes to spend with an attractive woman in order to decide if they would like to get to know her deeply. But instead of feeling free to ask their prepared questions, they spent the time trying to recover from the heavy information that was just unloaded and worrying about how to respond.

A few months ago I started talking with this guy who had this exact problem. He wanted to be deep and thought provoking and "open," he ended up asking me questions that were way too personal too soon. And to be honest, it wasn't completely the type of questions as it was the amount of questions. It seemed as if he has this list of questions that he was going down and checking off as I answered them. Later that week, he began texting me questions. At one point he asked me about my history with men and my five year plan for my life....ALL VIA TEXT!!! I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and go out on a face-to-face with him. And what I found was shocking... He didn't seem to have any questions for me! My only conjecture at this point was that he must have had a list in front him during our phone conversations and now that he couldn't have his list in front of him he was unable to function. In all of the questions that I shot his way (normal ones like, how big is your family? Oh really, how old is that sister?) not one of those questions was returned in my direction. Needless to say, we did not go out again.

My point in this post: Learn the difference between questions and topics of discussion that are deep and thought provoking versus ones that are just too personal.

My subpoint is Rule 2 in Sending Text Messages: Do not ask questions over text that it will take more than 10 words to answer, especially if you have not had a face-to-face yet.

Best,
ODQ

Rule 1 in Sending Text Messages

Never send a text to a girl saying, "I'm in a meeting and I'm very, very, very, bored. How are you?" This communicates that you are only interested in how I am doing if you're bored. Instead, if you're in a meeting and your bored send a text like, "I was just thinking about you. How are you doing?"

That's all.

ODQ

Push for the Face-to-face Interview

I have this guy friend, whom I love (of course just as a friend). We'll call him James. He is kind, smart, multicultural and something of a jack of all trades. About a year ago I was hosting an event at which I connected him with another friend of mine (who we'll call Mike) who was looking to hire someone in his department. Mike encouraged James to apply for the position and interviewed him about a week later and voilla! He had the job. Mike later told me how happy he was to give James the job but that he probably would have never hired him if it werent for two things: First, the fact that he got to see a little bit of who he was in a different setting (ie the event I hosted) and second, he had a great face-to-face interview. In fact, Mike went on to say that for all future jobs, James should push to have face-to-face interviews right away as opposed to phone interviews because he's much better in person than he is on the phone or even on paper.

This principal is true even in online dating. You have to know your strengths. Some people are great on the phone. They are able to communicate a lot about themselves naturally without dominating the conversation or coming off as arrogant. Other people are much better in person than they are on the phone. When they are talking on the phone they may come off a little stiff and uninteresting. And I say, if you're not sure which you are push for the face-to-face right away. I don't mean set up an elaborate, romantic date. But going out for coffee a couple times a week for a first time meet up will not break the bank. That way you get to express all of who you are and you won't run the risk of someone cutting off communication before they really get to know who you are.

There have been several times that a guy has expressed interest online and I have given my number pretty early on not because I was 100% sold by their profile or even their pictures, but because my curiousity was piqued. But after one phone conversation I was either turned off by something they said or bored. And it was so unfair to them, because they couldn't see the reaction on my face they weren't able to interpret themselves or see that the line of conversation was not something that interested me. Unfortunately, these guys continued to call and text, believing that I was just as interested as they were simply because I had given my number. What I (and/or they) should have done was push for the face-to-face right away. That's the only way to give a potential interest a fair chance. Besides coffee can always turn into something else :)

Love,
ODQ

Dear Never2Nasty

Dear Never2Nasty,

I have spent far too many minutes pondering what sort of drug induced stupor possessed you to create your username. That is all.

Always,
ODQ