I've had several guys on a particular site ask for more pictures after connecting with me on dating sites. I assume that this is something that people do and ask for on a regular basis on these sites (I am still only learning about this whole online dating scene). However, for someone like myself who is a little more reserved overall something didn't quite sit right with me when this request is thrown my way. Don't get me wrong, I do understand their point of view. On this particular site I had only posted one picture of myself that was only a headshot. And men are visual. However on my end, I couldn't get it out of my head that in complying with this request I was aiding and abetting the objectification of my own body. So here was my ultimate compromise: I have added more pictures to my profile and will gracefully decline a direct request for more pictures. If they don't get the idea from what I have put up or are too lazy to schedule something with me to see what I look like in person then I don't have time for that anyway.
ODQ
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Too Personal vs Deep (And Rule 2 in Sending Text Messages)
We all grew up in different households, different parents with different ideas of the world. However, there are a few things that we can agree upon as socially acceptable. Last week I was watching my absolute favorite show "Millionaire Matchmaker" and this very issue of Too Personal vs. Deep came up. The issue is this: Many people, in an attempt to be deep, vulnerable or intriguing will end up sharing too much information about themself too soon. This makes people uncomfortable as was the case on the episode. On the show, one of the women who was chosen for a mini date by both of the men shared about her bout with anorexia as well as the passing of her mom. Both men were turned off by this, not because they were without compassion, but because this information was TOO PERSONAL TOO SOON. They had five minutes to spend with an attractive woman in order to decide if they would like to get to know her deeply. But instead of feeling free to ask their prepared questions, they spent the time trying to recover from the heavy information that was just unloaded and worrying about how to respond.
A few months ago I started talking with this guy who had this exact problem. He wanted to be deep and thought provoking and "open," he ended up asking me questions that were way too personal too soon. And to be honest, it wasn't completely the type of questions as it was the amount of questions. It seemed as if he has this list of questions that he was going down and checking off as I answered them. Later that week, he began texting me questions. At one point he asked me about my history with men and my five year plan for my life....ALL VIA TEXT!!! I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and go out on a face-to-face with him. And what I found was shocking... He didn't seem to have any questions for me! My only conjecture at this point was that he must have had a list in front him during our phone conversations and now that he couldn't have his list in front of him he was unable to function. In all of the questions that I shot his way (normal ones like, how big is your family? Oh really, how old is that sister?) not one of those questions was returned in my direction. Needless to say, we did not go out again.
My point in this post: Learn the difference between questions and topics of discussion that are deep and thought provoking versus ones that are just too personal.
My subpoint is Rule 2 in Sending Text Messages: Do not ask questions over text that it will take more than 10 words to answer, especially if you have not had a face-to-face yet.
Best,
ODQ
A few months ago I started talking with this guy who had this exact problem. He wanted to be deep and thought provoking and "open," he ended up asking me questions that were way too personal too soon. And to be honest, it wasn't completely the type of questions as it was the amount of questions. It seemed as if he has this list of questions that he was going down and checking off as I answered them. Later that week, he began texting me questions. At one point he asked me about my history with men and my five year plan for my life....ALL VIA TEXT!!! I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and go out on a face-to-face with him. And what I found was shocking... He didn't seem to have any questions for me! My only conjecture at this point was that he must have had a list in front him during our phone conversations and now that he couldn't have his list in front of him he was unable to function. In all of the questions that I shot his way (normal ones like, how big is your family? Oh really, how old is that sister?) not one of those questions was returned in my direction. Needless to say, we did not go out again.
My point in this post: Learn the difference between questions and topics of discussion that are deep and thought provoking versus ones that are just too personal.
My subpoint is Rule 2 in Sending Text Messages: Do not ask questions over text that it will take more than 10 words to answer, especially if you have not had a face-to-face yet.
Best,
ODQ
Rule 1 in Sending Text Messages
Never send a text to a girl saying, "I'm in a meeting and I'm very, very, very, bored. How are you?" This communicates that you are only interested in how I am doing if you're bored. Instead, if you're in a meeting and your bored send a text like, "I was just thinking about you. How are you doing?"
That's all.
ODQ
That's all.
ODQ
Push for the Face-to-face Interview
I have this guy friend, whom I love (of course just as a friend). We'll call him James. He is kind, smart, multicultural and something of a jack of all trades. About a year ago I was hosting an event at which I connected him with another friend of mine (who we'll call Mike) who was looking to hire someone in his department. Mike encouraged James to apply for the position and interviewed him about a week later and voilla! He had the job. Mike later told me how happy he was to give James the job but that he probably would have never hired him if it werent for two things: First, the fact that he got to see a little bit of who he was in a different setting (ie the event I hosted) and second, he had a great face-to-face interview. In fact, Mike went on to say that for all future jobs, James should push to have face-to-face interviews right away as opposed to phone interviews because he's much better in person than he is on the phone or even on paper.
This principal is true even in online dating. You have to know your strengths. Some people are great on the phone. They are able to communicate a lot about themselves naturally without dominating the conversation or coming off as arrogant. Other people are much better in person than they are on the phone. When they are talking on the phone they may come off a little stiff and uninteresting. And I say, if you're not sure which you are push for the face-to-face right away. I don't mean set up an elaborate, romantic date. But going out for coffee a couple times a week for a first time meet up will not break the bank. That way you get to express all of who you are and you won't run the risk of someone cutting off communication before they really get to know who you are.
There have been several times that a guy has expressed interest online and I have given my number pretty early on not because I was 100% sold by their profile or even their pictures, but because my curiousity was piqued. But after one phone conversation I was either turned off by something they said or bored. And it was so unfair to them, because they couldn't see the reaction on my face they weren't able to interpret themselves or see that the line of conversation was not something that interested me. Unfortunately, these guys continued to call and text, believing that I was just as interested as they were simply because I had given my number. What I (and/or they) should have done was push for the face-to-face right away. That's the only way to give a potential interest a fair chance. Besides coffee can always turn into something else :)
Love,
ODQ
This principal is true even in online dating. You have to know your strengths. Some people are great on the phone. They are able to communicate a lot about themselves naturally without dominating the conversation or coming off as arrogant. Other people are much better in person than they are on the phone. When they are talking on the phone they may come off a little stiff and uninteresting. And I say, if you're not sure which you are push for the face-to-face right away. I don't mean set up an elaborate, romantic date. But going out for coffee a couple times a week for a first time meet up will not break the bank. That way you get to express all of who you are and you won't run the risk of someone cutting off communication before they really get to know who you are.
There have been several times that a guy has expressed interest online and I have given my number pretty early on not because I was 100% sold by their profile or even their pictures, but because my curiousity was piqued. But after one phone conversation I was either turned off by something they said or bored. And it was so unfair to them, because they couldn't see the reaction on my face they weren't able to interpret themselves or see that the line of conversation was not something that interested me. Unfortunately, these guys continued to call and text, believing that I was just as interested as they were simply because I had given my number. What I (and/or they) should have done was push for the face-to-face right away. That's the only way to give a potential interest a fair chance. Besides coffee can always turn into something else :)
Love,
ODQ
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