Learning to Love the Gray Area

More and more I am learning to to LOVE living in the gray areas, primarly because I have gone on a couple dates with guys who have NO IDEA how to live there. By gray area I mean that place where things are undefined, decisions haven't been made, commitments are not yet expressed... not to mention the fact that (ahem) this was only a FIRST DATE! However, I am learning to see the signs ahead of time. Here are some of the signs that a potential online dater does not know how to live in the grey area (in no particular order):

1) Before the first meet up s/he sends you texts messages frequently throughout the day with chit chatty questions like, "How is your day going," or, "what are you up to?"
2) In his/her conversations/text messages s/he uses the word "love" a lot ie "ok love," "goodbye my love" or "man you love me!"
3) The potential dater uses committed phrases like, "I'm gonna make you mine," "you're mine," or "I got you." Remember, this is only cute/funny if you're SURE the other person is joking and there's no way to tell that until you meet a person.
4) The potential dater calls you pet names such as babe, baby, sweetheat, sweetie pie, honey etc. You get the picture. Basically any term of endearment should be reserved for those to whom you are sure you want to endear yourself to. Make sense?

Disclaimer: Just because your potential dater exhibits one of these signs does not necessarily mean that they are incapable of living in the gray area. You will have to use your own best judgement in each scenario.

Happily gray,
ODQ

Dial M.O.M. For Help

The other day I was on my way to meet up with a date. This was going to be my second date with this particular guy. We were going to the beach but on the way there I decided to call my mom and vent to her about all the things that bothered me about him so far and and all the reasons why it wouldn't work out. "But he's not a planner," I told her, "and he seems like the kind of person who is afraid live in or visit urban areas." Although I was annoyed by it, my mom was somehow able to remind me that these aren't necessarily deal breakers and that I should still enjoy the date and give him some room to grow and be himself without having to fit into my checklist of criteria.

After thinking about that conversation I started to realized how motivated we are to see flaws in other people when we're afraid. And once I began to be honest with myself I realized that I am actually just scared. I have not yet quite learned how to protect my heart wisely until the appropriate time and so instead I chose to find reasons to sabotage the date before it even started by conjuring up all the things that annoyed me. So I decided to follow my mom's advice and just enjoy getting to know him and guess what! I had a great time!

Maybe one day I'll actually tell my mom she was right.

Best,
ODQ

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ODQ

Riding in Cars with Boys

I spent some time thinking about one of the more annoying occurances in the online dating world the other day: Men who post photos of themselves posing in front of their cars. This is a MEGA turnoff! On the one hand, I understand the desire to really prove to your future mate that you are capable of handling your finances and that you can be a good provider. But who is to say that the Escalade that's propping up your left elbow doesn't belong to your friend Ray Ray? Not to mention the fact that these pictures are like a honing beacon for GOLD DIGGERS! What happened to "we want Pre-Nup, we want Pre-nup!"? Wasn't this the male anthem of 2006? Let's go back to pictures with normal things like stuffed animals and puppies.

Wondering if it's just me,
ODQ

Dear Incomplete/Blank Profile Guy,

Thank you for wasting my time.

ODQ

Just Because You Delete Someone From Your Phone....

Doesn't mean they delete you from theirs!

I know it's silly but I actually thought I was done with crazy texter guy. You know, the one that would text me once every week or couple of weeks and ask how I was doing even though I NEVER texted back. There is a thin line between persisting and pestering and this guy is so far from the line he can't even see it. So after I hadn't heard from him in what seemed like a month I thought it was safe to just delete him from my phone. BIG MISTAKE! I ended up getting a random text the other day asking me how I was doing and silly me-I actually texted back asking, "who is this?!" And just like that I was sucked back into the orbit of whatever planet this guy is on.

Learning,
ODQ

I AM NOT A STATISTIC!!!.....or am i?

Recently Time Magazine published a statistic from OkCupid (one of the sites I have frequented)that Black women garner the lowest response rate of all women's groups from online daters. Ring, ring! "Hello?" "Hi, this is Depression, and Discouragement! We're coming over for a visit!" I mean seriously! So there I was, actually becoming more satisfied with waiting and trusting in God when this article slaps me over the head with a reality check. Right now I'm wondering mostly how can both these realities be true? How is it possible that God holds my future and my destiny in his hands while at the same time this ever flowing current of latent racism (Yes I said it) prevents me from reaching the top of the dating chain?

I'm sure that both my male and female friends have a hard time understanding this. "But black women are so beautifl! I just don't understand." Nine times out of ten these people are not currently dating a black woman. All of a sudden I felt justified in my choice to spend time on an interracial dating site in which racial preferences were clearly stated up front on everyone's profile. A black woman who was interviewed for the article articulated the strategy best: "Now I look at that section first so as not to get my hopes up." HOW SAD! We're scared to even hope!!! Scared to put ourselves out there time and time again only to get limited to no response at all!

Let me stop here by saying, I hate the victim mentality. I have always been hard on myself to figure out where can I improve and where do I need to shift. But this time its not just me. And I have the facts to prove it. I thought it was all in my head. I still trust God to work it out. But now the things I am praying for seem even bigger than me--try praying for the racism of a generation!

ODQ